The topic I am going to write today is not what I will usually do, but this time I wanted to share information that I find useful. It is about a roundtable regarding the United Nations Universal Children’s Day that I participated. A psychologist- psychotherapist conducted it, and above that, she is my friend.
The topic was”Obedience or responsibility.” First, we talked about how did our parents raise us and what were their values that they taught us and expected us to follow. And it was said that we had to be honest, obedient, have a steady job and so on. And then she asked us what we want for our children. And we want them to be happy, to do in life what they like, to express themselves. And now the topic starts to unfold. She explained that we should approach our children differently from our parents because we live in a society that changed. The new term is liquid society. The term was introduced by Zygmunt Bauman. Here is a short explanation from his book “Liquid Times: Living in an Age of Uncertainty” about the meaning: “The passage from ′solid′ to ′liquid′ modernity has created a new and unprecedented setting for individual life pursuits, confronting individuals with a series of challenges never before encountered. Social forms and institutions no longer have enough time to solidify and cannot serve as frames of reference for human actions and long–term life plans, so individuals have to find other ways to organise their lives.”
The point is that we, parents, need to grow and get to know ourselves to be able to teach our children to become persons we want them to be.
An important thing to understand is that nowadays families create their own rules. There are no general rules, and everybody has the right to do as one thinks is best for their family and that no one is right or wrong. For instance for one family is essential to gather on a Sunday lunch and for another is to go out, spend the day in nature and eat sandwiches. This the point that one can say it is wrong to stay at home all day as we are every day inside, it is better to go outside. The other can say all week they eat sandwiches they should stay at home and eat a cooked meal — this where we should be able to accept differences. For one family is essential to gather around the table, to talk about what happened during the week and for the other family is essential to spend the day together out in nature. No one is wrong.
And how we deal with these attitudes is what our children learn from us. When we are sure of our values, and we live them our children accept these values. Sometimes is hard for the grown-ups to be sure what they want. And that is the time that we have to check our inner person. Where I am, what I want, what is essential for me?
And now let see how we raise responsible children. We should give our children the rules. Clear rules that do not change. Rules are our values, for instance, I want my children to take off their shoes when they come into the house. Why? Because I want them to play freely on a clean floor. For sure I have to repeat this every day and consequences is essential. When children know the rules, they feel safe. And in the end, they accept them.
We should teach our children to stand for themselves, but they will learn that only if we hold for ourselves. If we follow the rules saying this is how it is done and we are not satisfied we are not standing for ourselves. They are not getting the right message.
It is essential to know when to say NO. As well how to tell it not to endanger the relationship with the person we are reporting no. For example when our friend asks to meet them because they have something important to reveal and we have to go home prepare lunch for our kids. For us, it is crucial what our friend has to say as well cooking a meal for our children. In this case, we can tell our friend that we are sorry we cannot make it today, but maybe we can meet tomorrow after work. Now, this is negotiating, considering our friend’s needs but also valuing our needs.
We should build their self-consciousness. We must give children the chance to explore. We should encourage them to ask questions and then give them answers when they do. We need to see them and hear them. It is the hard part. We need time and will to do so. We need the patience to be consequent. Show authentic emotions and love.
All the advice I find helpful and what she said to us was a relief. No one can be the perfect parent the whole day, we all have emotions, and we will react inappropriately, but she gave us tools that we can use to improve our relationship with our children. We can say I am sorry, and I overreacted can we please talk about the situation. Negotiation is most important. It is what we have to learn and then teach our children.
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